Dawn Miller is a thirty-something wife and stepmom to three, ages 23, 19, and 17. The older two are boys and the youngest is a girl. From the get-go, the Miller's have always had a policy of supportive involvement for all of the adults. The kids' mom, Dawn and her husband attend the school plays, softball games, swim meets, and other events that are important in the lives of all three children.

"I know that often people can be unreasonable and uncooperative throughout divorces and remarriages, but I advise people to try to behave like adults and work out a supportive arrangement that benefits the kids," said Miller. "If people can step beyond their own feelings, bury the hatchet, and work together for the good of the children, it can result in very positive results."

Unfortunately you also have to deal with your own feelings and emotions, said Dawn. "This was the hardest part of all – dealing with myself. I was originally ok about having the ex-wife included in family functions – including events with my husband's family. But I didn't feel fully accepted by my husband's family, and his ex-wife didn't help matters. The kids were stuck in a nuclear detente at family holiday events."

Clarity came in a wake-up call – from herself. "When I found myself puking in a roadside ditch from stress, I knew things had gone too far," said Dawn. "My husband's sisters insistence on including his ex-wife in every family activity and his ex-wife's determination to stake her claim to his relatives but chop us from other parts of the kids' lives – were a bit much. "I realized that I had taken positive involvement for the sake of the kids too far and needed more definition in our boundaries with the ex-wife, because the people I was dealing with would never give me any breathing space or a fair deal," said Dawn.

She says it's also important for stepparents to be realistic about their expectations. "You have to go easy and you can't expect too much too soon when children are involved. Stepfamily life is different from a regular family life in many ways." said Miller.

"After we got married, I felt like my whole life turned upside down. I moved to join my husband in another state, switched jobs, studied for my doctoral exams, and had to get used to having all of these people running around my house after living alone. It was a huge adjustment," said Miller.

"We have successes, although they often seem quite small. I can tell you that I don't get along 100% of the time with everyone involved in the equation and that I make mistakes. We try to stick to a few guiding principles." Hammered out while she and her husband were dating, those principles are:

• Our family is a stepfamily, and it is ok if it is not like a "regular" family. There are stages all stepfamilies move through. We will be sensitive to adjustment issues for everyone involved.
• Our marriage and relationship come first. We will focus on sustaining it and try to find private time to spend together to grow our relationship.
• Stepmom does not equal stepwitch. Although Dawn does correct the kids, her husband plays the heavyweight disciplinary role with his kids.
• Adult problems stay with adults. If there are gripes about his ex, they are shared between Dawn and her husband, never with the kids.
• All of the adults (both step and biological parents) involved in the kids' lives play a positive role in the lives of the kids, are committed to producing a supportive environment for them, and influence the childrearing process.

To contact Dawn, send her an email.

Dawn Miller writes a column on life in blended families at thestepfamilylife.com. 
Visit Dawn's blog for a daily dose of life in the blender.
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