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TheStepfamilyLife interviewed Kali
Schnieders, co-author of
You’re Not My Mom! with Elizabeth Schnieders. When I started reading
this book, I couldn't put it down! Get an inside glimpse into this great
book about stepfamily life which draws on the perspectives of both a
stepmom (Kali) and her stepdaughter. Hear about their ten-year journey
toward a positive and rewarding relationship - with all its ups and downs.
One of this book’s key messages is that stepfamily relationships do not
have to be terrible – there is hope that you can bond with your stepchild
and have a positive relationship. This book can help not only stepmoms,
but also anyone dealing with a difficult relationship.
Your book focuses on the conflict between
you and your daughter Elizabeth, who was 8 years old when you married her
father. The arguments and feelings you describe will be familiar to many
stepmoms. What kept you from giving up?
Many times I wanted to quit, I can assure
you. But I was divorced in my early twenties and was single for 15 years.
The whole time I was lonely and regretted the mistakes I made in my first
marriage. I longed for a second chance. So basically I promised God that
if He would guide me to a new life-partner, I would never consider divorce
an option again. SO when I my resolved weakened and I was tempted to break
my vows to Larry - my promise to God held me accountable. (I think He
wanted to be sure I really meant it, so He tested that promise for 10
years.) Nevertheless, when I turned to heaven for help seeking, strength,
comfort, and even new ideas on what to try next, Heaven answered.
You had a successful career
as a sales executive before you married your husband. My head was spinning
when I read you gave up your professional career during Elizabeth's teen
years so you could be a stay-at-home mom to a kid who hated you. How did
you cope with giving up that part of your identity?
Actually my identity was reeling from
more than just the job scene. As an only child, I also had just lost both
of my parents. (My mom died the year before my marriage and my father died
two years later - one week after we moved to Dallas.) In our two career
household (both jobs required extensive travel and often without much
notice) we quickly discovered that our lives were simply too stressful. I
no longer had weekends to myself to catch up. Also I had a two hour
commute just to get to work on top of Elizabeth's gymnastics practice
during the week. Then the weekends were quickly filled up with her
gymnastics meets!
The joy I'd once known at my job soon
flew out the window with all of the added responsibility on the home
front. Additionally my employer was growing dissatisfied with my less than
150% dedication after my marriage. It seemed I could not longer please
ANYBODY, including myself, and I was grieving (not only the loss of my
parents, but also I'd moved for the first time in my life when we were
transferred to Dallas.) I no longer had the support under me of church,
family and friends in KC. I was ready to retreat from the work force and
felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders.
What would you tell a new stepparent to do to ease the transition into a
stepfamily?
I actually give many tips at the end of
each chapter in "You're Not My Mom!" However, if I had to condense all my
tips to just three I would say this:
1. Connect before you correct. In
other words, establish a relationship/friendship with Elizabeth before
trying to engage in discipline.
2. Spend time One-On-One. That means with each child
(and or stepchild in a truly blended family) without the birth parent
being present. Pick something fun that the child enjoyed and make it "our
time." I could never develop much of a relationship with Elizabeth when
Larry was around because his presence started up the competition between
us. Initially I was so intimidated by Elizabeth and her volatile behavior;
I felt I needed Larry around for support (never realizing that all of this
togetherness was actually fueling the fire.) By always being a threesome,
Elizabeth only saw me as a rival for Larry's attention and was not able to
see my fun side, and vice versa. Do fun things and let the child see your
natural personality.
3. Let the birth parent establish the
rules. If you disagree with those rules, I would be sure any
disagreements are out of earshot of the children. I learned that it did me
no good to try to enforce (or make) any rule that Larry was not prepared
to back up. I was wasting my time and frustrating everyone (especially me)
trying to make rules that were not followed or enforced.) So the best
thing I did was STOP trying to prevent the disasters. I stated my
position, and then I shut up. I quit trying to prevent problems and
allowed the problems to happen. Then I let the natural consequences take
things from there -and let Larry and Elizabeth work out or clean up the
mess.
In your stepfamily's case,
talking to a therapist initially did not help. You later found it
beneficial to speak to a different therapist about your family situation.
What advice do you have for stepfamilies seeking a therapist or counselor?
The first therapist failed to grasp the
problem and did not recommend follow up meetings to see how his "great
plan" was working. Because Larry didn't want to go in the first place that
therapist wound up letting him off the hook. I finally felt I needed to go
alone, if necessary, which it was because everyone else refused.
It turned out well with the second
therapist because even without Larry and Elizabeth being present she was
able to give me some ideas of things to do differently. That ultimately
made a big difference-I felt heard, I had a new plan, and I had more
peace.
Staying in a situation where NO one is
changing saps hope that change can ever come. Even if I was the only one
that made changes, those changes affected our entire family for the good.
Therapists can access a situation from a detached perspective. A good one
will hear all sides of the same issue and help all the parties try to see
how their actions are affecting everyone else. Those that are open to
change will see new ways to act rather than reacting from auto-pilot mode
(which is probably the mode that is not working well.)
There are very few books
available for women marrying widowers and I'm sure your book will be a
great resource. Lots of stepmoms struggle with how to get along with a
real-life ex-wife. How can your book help these stepmoms too?
Well many people assume that since
Elizabeth's mom was deceased that I had it easy. No "ex" to deal with.
However, there is always an "ex," the problems are just different. One
that is the same, however, is any problem with jealousy. I harbored
jealousy over Annette's place of reverence in Larry and Elizabeth's heart
- she was on a pedestal. She was an angel, a saint, but I was human and
very fallible.
When Elizabeth developed anorexia I
quickly abandoned that jealousy and realized that Elizabeth needed her
mother AND me. I saw Annette then as a spiritual ally that could help me
save Elizabeth's life. From that point forward, I was never jealous again.
My suggestion to a stepmom would be to
try to meet with the birth mom (if she's willing) and reassure her that
you would never try to take her place in the child's eyes. But let her
know that you believe it to be in the child's best interest for the adults
to work together to have as consistent a set of rules as possible. Let her
know that you would never want to unknowingly undermine the rules that are
already established, and the best way for you to do that is for the
communication lines to be open. Let her know that you want to know how to
support the birth mother and make this as easy as possible on her for
everyone's sake.
Of course, this won't be easy at first,
and your peaceful gestures may not be well received, but my suggestion is
to take the high road and wear the woman down. Loving actions never fail;
we only fail to keep doing them if they are not received well the first
time we try.
Toward the end of the book,
you write about your daughter's painful struggle with anorexia after she
left home and went to college. How is she doing today?
She has been out of the hospital for
almost three years. She just completed her MBA and will be married in
October - I will be the mother-of-the-bride!
I know you do some public
speaking. Are you available for lectures and talks about your book?
Yes, I love to speak on this topic and I
broaden it to include other difficult relationships. I have a program
called, "How to Sweeten Your Sour Relationship" I believe the principals
work no matter if the sour relationship is with a stepchild, a birth
child, a spouse, a parent, a sibling, or a boss! If someone would like to
invite me to speak they can email me at
www.Astepmom.com or
www.trufflesfromheaven.com
Is there anything else you'd
like to tell us about your book?
Elizabeth and I want readers that our
book is not like so many of the ones I found when I was desperately
searching for help. Most of them are written by psychologists that have
never been stepparents and are written in clinical speak with bullet
points or steps to take that didn't quite get the job done for us. Our
book is easy to read in a narrative style (kind of like a soap opera) that
keeps you turning pages to see what happens next. We pulled no punches,
and opened ourselves to the reader in a vulnerable way-all for the
purpose of letting the reader see that we "know" how hard blending
families can be.
But we also wanted to give stepfamilies
hope, by allowing them to see just how "extreme" our situation was and how
long it took for things to work out. I believe many will say, "If these
two enemies could become friends, there's hope for us!"
We also want people to see that no
matter how long it takes to bond, one day it will be worth it. A loving
relationship that lasts a lifetime is well worth even ten years of
struggle to get there. We also offer frustrated stepparents a glimpse
into the mind of the child. Elizabeth's words and thoughts in the book
come directly from the journal she kept during our turbulent years. We
inserted her thoughts into the story so a parent can see what kinds of
thoughts, and fears a child is coping with when a stepmom comes on the
scene.
But most of all we wanted to offer a tool
that a person can use to build a better relationship with a family member.
For example, I have spoken with many adults that grew up in stepfamilies.
They often say, "It was hard at first while I was young, but it's
tolerable now. Why would anyone settle for
tolerable, if "great" is available? I believe our book can be used as
a talking tool to help clean years of rubbish out of a stepfamily and
enable them to get things out on the table that have been swept under the
carpet.
For example, I can see a stepmom saying
to a grown stepchild, "I was reading this book and I felt so sad for the
little girl in the story. It caused me to wonder, "Did I ever make you
feel that way?" If so, I know it's late now, but I still want to tell you
I'm sorry." Can you imagine what such a conversation could mean to that
relationship?
And likewise, the child probably did some
pretty hideous things to the stepmom, and the book could be used as a tool
to facilitate that healing as well. By referring to the book, the
conversation won't come so "out of the blue" and can make a threatening
conversation much easier. The main thing was to share our true story-but
write it in a way that requires readers to consider every point of view.
Kali is the author of two books,
You're Not My Mom! and
Truffles From Heaven. She is also a contributing author in the
devotional book, A Celebration of Women alongside Elizabeth Dole, Mother
Teresa, Beth Moore, and Kay Arthur.
She is a popular inspirational conference speaker with a delightful sense
of humor. After a sixteen-year career as a sales executive for three
Fortune 500 corporations, Kali became a stay-at-home stepmom. Kali lives
in Dallas with her husband, Larry, and their fox-terrier, Angel-the devil
dog. |