This past week my husband and I attended the funeral for his grandmother. We stopped at her house in small town Ohio to see my mother-in-law before the service, and found it teeming with relatives. After a whirling round of introductions, I found on the coffee table her obituary in the local newspaper. More than 60 people were listed as her direct descendants - including her natural children, stepchildren, grandchildren, step-grandchildren, great grandchildren and step-great grandchildren.

Reading her obituary was like reading a litany of love. Although I never met my husband’s grandmother while she was alive, it was evident that she loved many people – natural and step alike. Just like the house, the funeral home was crammed with teary-eyed relatives. Lovingly arranged photographs showed her with all sorts of family combinations over the years.

After she married their father, her stepchildren came to know her as adults. She never changed her stepchildren’s diapers or taught them how to ride a bike. They saw her working the family business beside themselves and their dad. During the funeral, her stepchildren sat with her natural children and wept as much as they did. Her step-grandsons were pallbearers alongside my husband and other relatives.

I couldn’t help but wonder what so endeared this woman to her stepchildren? What made her family members so willing to meld together in grief and with so little discord? What lessons can we take from her life to help our blended families?

Lesson # 1 – She showed she cared to her natural children and stepchildren and she accepted their love without reservation. It was evident she cared for her natural children and stepchildren. Photos of holiday events showed everyone clustered around “Grandma V,” irregardless of blood line. Everyone at the funeral talked about the big bash they threw at a swanky hotel for her 90th birthday years before and the fun they had.

Lesson # 2 – She drew lines where she needed to between her natural children and her stepchildren. She was sensitive to the subtle distinctions between families and the feelings of her natural children. Acquiring adult stepchildren later in life meant that her own children did not grow up beside them and were not bonded to her stepchildren like siblings. The basement in her home was filled with collages of photographs, carefully sorted by family grouping. Her collages by family branch preserved the separateness her children needed to feel between themselves and her stepchildren, but also acknowledged everyone’s inclusion in the overall family.

Lesson # 3 – She minimized conflict for her children and stepchildren. Nurturing relationships with her natural children was important to her – and was sustained through visits, phone calls and family activities. She made certain that her wishes about her funeral were clearly defined before she passed away, so there was no opportunity for conflict.

Lesson # 4 – She loved her husband through good and bad times. She was a companion in life and work to her second husband for nearly forty years. She cared for him through a difficult illness in the last years of his life. Her stepchildren remarked at the funeral how much they appreciated her care for their father through those dark days.

Lesson # 5 – She found strength in others and her religious faith. It was evident she believed in God and prayed during her lifetime. The church minister conducting the service knew her well. Her friends from a religious organization held a brief ceremony to honor her dedication to faith and charity.

While Grandma V.’s funeral was somber at times, it was also a celebration of a life lived to the fullest. As I sat with gabbing relatives watching small children dart through the crowd, I felt surrounded by a living testimony to a life lived consciously day-by-day with love and devotion

Dawn Miller writes a column on life in blended families at thestepfamilylife.com. 
Visit Dawn's blog for a daily dose of life in the blender.
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