My twenty-year old stepson is leaving for college this week after two years in community college. Now he’s off to live in the dorm and have a “typical” college experience. We’ve talked for hours about what it will be like, and he’s eagerly checked out the football game schedules and campus. We started stocking him up for the big departure at Christmastime and he began packing a week ago.

Of course, we are delighted to see him achieve his goals and be happy. But for all the excitement, there is a tinge of sadness. Now I understand why when I left for college ten years ago, my mother stood in the driveway with tears in her eyes.

Because it is a change for us. I know it’s going to change the dynamics of how we relate to each other as a stepfamily. He won’t be able to just pop over to our house for an afternoon bike ride with his dad or plop on our sofa on Sunday nights to watch sports.

So when you are the one standing in the driveway when they leave for new adventures in adulthood – what do you do now?

We will be focusing some extra attention on his younger brother and sister – who at 16 and 14 say they adore the fact that their big-bully brother is leaving, but we know they will miss him terribly. Letting them feel a little fussed over will help. We can do back to school shopping and they can pick out what we are having for dinner.

The youngest one will start high school in a few weeks. She has bounced back from her struggles earlier in the summer and has regained her confidence and happiness. She has more friends than I do. The middle one is already a junior and captain of his high school swim team. There will be plenty to keep us busy throughout the school year.

And their brother is only a few hours away. We’ll find new ways to connect with him, but we don’t want to rain on his parade. So we’ll be following his progress from a distance. I’ll mail his favorite cookies in a tin and we’ll send him money periodically. He’ll come home to visit and we will fuss over him. We’re already talking about going to parents weekend in a few months and embarrassing him.

My husband and I (and his mom) can enjoy the fact that we have one kid safely out of the nest – who seems to have his head screwed on properly and can make responsible decisions. It’s the culmination of years of co-parenting – and considering how crazy a blended family can be – quite an achievement. Ultimately this is what we are all aiming for – seeing a child leave us to go out into the world who is well-adjusted and capable and sees possibility in his future.

For years I thought that my mother’s tears in that driveway were sadness over me leaving her behind. But now I realize that they were also tears of joy – at seeing a child achieve these milestones in life. It’s something I would have never learned if I weren’t a stepparent.

Dawn Miller writes a column on life in blended families at thestepfamilylife.com. 
Visit Dawn's blog for a daily dose of life in the blender.
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